The most frequent concern couples present as part of their therapy process is this: "we do not get into fights about major issues; however, we no longer have meaningful conversations."
Most forms of communication breakdown do not occur abruptly. Instead, a slow development takes place through multiple miscommunications, emotional withdrawals, unexpressed expectations, and unresolved conflicts. As such, there is an erosion of the emotional connection between two people who otherwise love one another.
Regardless if they are in romantic relationships, marriage, or long term partnership, communication is not simply about verbalizing. Rather, it is about being understood by your partner.
Definition of A Communication Breakdown in Relationships:
"Communication breakdown in a relationship is the failure of partners to adequately express their own ideas, emotions, and needs resulting in misunderstandings, emotional disconnections and unaddressed conflict."
Examples of this include:
- Misinterpreting one's intention
- Withdrawing emotionally
- Arguing repeatedly with no solution to resolve the argument
- Refusal to discuss difficult topics
Studies on relationships conducted by researchers and published in The Journal of Marriage and Family show poor communication to be one of the primary factors contributing to relationship dissatisfaction and breakups.
Why Does Communication Breakdown Occur in Relationships
Communication problems are typically not caused by "talking too little." Rather, they are generally caused by the manner in which we communicate, what we choose to avoid communicating and what we assume will be understood by our partner.
1. Emotional Withdrawal
Many partners withdraw from having discussions about difficult topics to avoid conflict.
- Attitude of letting it go
- Fear of upsetting partner
- Suppression of emotions
Although avoiding difficult discussions appears to provide peace in the immediate future, unprocessed emotions build up over time.
2. Silent Expectations
Silence is a major killer of many relationships.
- Expecting your partner to intuitively know
- Believing that emotional requirements are self-evident
- Disappointment when those expectations are not met
Because the expectations are not expressed, resentment replaces empathy.
3. Defending Communication Styles
Conversations become arguments instead of a discussion:
- Blaming rather than stating expression
- Interpreting/shutting down conversations
- Quick escalation of conversation tone
This causes a cycle for both parties to feel unheard.
4. Digital Distractibility and Surface-Level Communications
With today's technology, many interactions take place via screens.
- Brief texts replace meaningful conversations
- Potential misreading of tones in texts
- Lessened emotional presence
According to studies at the American Psychological Association, digital communications lack emotional expressions thus increase risks of miscommunication.
5. Stress/External Pressures
Stress related to job responsibilities, financial pressures and family obligations diminishes emotional availability.
- Irritation upon returning home from work
- Patience decreases while having conversations
- Exhaustion due to emotionality
Individuals experiencing high levels of stress tend to communicate ineffectively.
6. Lack of Emotional Lexicon
Many individuals never learned how to articulate their emotions clearly.
- Trouble identifying feelings
- Anger as a substitute for vulnerability
- Thoughts mistaken for emotions
Due to unclear articulation of emotions, communication tends to be reactive instead of reflexive.
Indicators of Communication Breakdown
Behavioral Indications
- Feelings Misunderstood Frequently
- Emotional Distance Despite Physical Presence
- Lack of Emotional Safety
- Avoiding Serious Conversations
- Recurring Arguments About Minor Issues
- Withdrawal/Silence
Cognitive Indication
- Pattern of Thought: "They never understand me"
- Negative Intent Assumption
- Over-thinking Partner's Actions
A definitive sign is: you speak, yet nothing seems resolved.
What Happens When There Is a Breakdown in Communication?
A communication breakdown in a relationship not only produces disagreements - it also alters the basis of emotions in the relationship.
1. Disconnected Emotions
Both parties refrain from sharing vulnerable thoughts and feelings.
2. Elevated Conflicts
As unexpressed emotions grow, minor issues escalate rapidly.
3. Decreased Trust
Mistaken assumptions lead to doubts about intentions and dependability.
4. Emotional Solitude
Even though two people are in close proximity to each other within the same relationship, they experience isolation.”
Case Study (Anonymous)
In this case study, a couple that has been married for five years approached a therapist after reporting constant disagreements. However, they were unable to specifically state an underlying problem with their relationship.
As part of their therapy sessions, the couple discovered that there wasn't actually a disagreement pattern within their relationship – but rather a lack of communication. Specifically, she had learned to suppress all expressions of dissatisfaction in order to "keep the peace," while he simply assumed that she was content with the way things were going at home.
Over the course of many months, as each little frustration built upon one another, the two developed an emotional distance and eventually reduced conversations to simple transactions rather than being personal/relational discussions.
Eventually through using structured therapy methods focused around expressing emotions and actively Listening to each other, both partners began to express their individual desires without placing blame. While the relationship didn't instantly become better — it greatly changed as far as how they communicate.
Psychology behind poor communication
There are many reasons why couples experience poor communication. From a psychology standpoint some of the most common include:
- Patterns of Attachment: A Fear of abandonment/rejection.
- Difficulty regulating emotions: problems managing strong emotions.
- Distorted thinking: always assuming the worst-case scenario.
- Learned behaviors: growing up in a household where Family members didn't communicate well with each other.
Either because they feel unsafe expressing their true feelings; they will either over-communicate (fighting/conflicts) or under-communicate (withdrawing).
Steps to improve communication in your relationship
1. Develop emotional awareness
Recognize your own emotional responses before reacting.
- “hurt” instead of “you don't care.”
- “overwhelmed” instead of anger.
2. Use “i” Statements
Using "i" Statements allows you to avoid putting blame on others, allowing them to understand your thoughts better.
- “I felt ignored when….”
- “I would like more clarity regarding…..”
3. Listen actively
- Do not cut off someone's thought before they have finished sharing.
- Repeat what you hear them saying, so they know you heard them.
- Don't immediately judge what they say.
4. Discuss small concerns early on
- Store away emotional concerns about small issues by discussing them as soon as possible.
- Express your concern early, before it becomes too much to handle.
5. Have respectful conversations
- Don't shout at each other
- Give the person space when needed
- Focus on finding solutions and understanding each other, not trying to win.
Key Takeaways
- Communication is usually broken down in stages over time (not suddenly), and emotional avoidance and unexpressed expectations are the primary causes.
- Increased use of Digital means of communication increases the likelihood of miscommunication. More Stress/emotionally drained we become less effective communicators.
- Unresolved communications lead to increased emotional separation/distancing within a relationship, which ultimately leads to conflict.
- Improved communication can strengthen even strained relationships. Improved communication can bring stability to difficult relationships. Healthy relationships are not always free of conflicts — they are ones in which both parties feel emotionally heard/safe.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is generally considered the number one reason for communication failure within a relationship?
Generally speaking, the largest factor contributing to poor communication is avoiding expressing our emotions in order to prevent potential conflict, resulting in missed opportunities for clear understanding.
Will poor communication destroy a previously healthy relationship?
Yes. Even strong relationships may deteriorate over time if we do not clearly express our emotional needs.
What are some telltale signs that my communication is breaking down in my current relationship?
Signs that communication may be declining include:
- Repeated misunderstandings,
- Increasing levels of emotional detachment,
- Repeated disputes/disagreements without resolving anything,
- Feeling as though we've never truly connected (felt heard).
