Why Couples Avoid Talking About Their Real Feeling

While some relationships seem like normal, everyday life to outsiders, a growing emotional distance is developing internally. While Couples continue to have day-to-day discussions regarding their jobs, families, schedules etc., they rarely discuss their true Feelings with one another.

Eventually, this lack of an open dialogue will lead to misunderstandings, resentment, isolation, and a separation between the couple's emotional lives.

While there are many times when couples choose to avoid emotional conversations with one another because they truly don't care about one another (which is rare), most of the time, they avoid them due to discomfort associated with vulnerability, and/or emotional overwhelm.

Being able to recognize why Couples struggle to share their true Feelings, could be instrumental in increasing emotional intelligence, improving communication, and enhancing overall relationship well-being.

Why does emotional communication matter in our relationships?

Relationships are built upon much more than just sharing responsibilities or daily activities; they are built upon emotional safety, and the ability to openly communicate your thoughts and Feelings with one another.

When you both freely express your emotions; whether it be fear, disappointment, insecurity, love, or emotional needs -- you are more likely to connect with one another on an empathetic level versus assuming what the other is going through.

If you fail to develop emotional communication, those suppressed feelings can build and grow into anger, frustration, misunderstanding, and ultimately an emotionally distant relationship. This lack of communication can cause many problems including:

• frequent miscommunications
• frustration
• constant arguing
• feeling isolated emotionally
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• losing that emotional bond with one another

Emotional communication & Indian relationship patterns

For many Indians, openly expressing their emotions was discouraged during their upbringing. Therefore, many people were conditioned as children to become emotionally strong; not to show vulnerability; and to never express negative emotions. As adults, entering into a romantic relationship can be challenging when we haven't learned healthy ways to express ourselves emotionally.

Commonly seen patterns include:

• suppressing negative emotions in order to prevent conflicts.
• expecting your partner to know exactly how you're feeling by reading your body language or tone of voice.
• keeping your negative emotions hidden so as not to burden others.
• struggling to openly express your vulnerability.

Social expectations from family, societal norms, and traditional role expectations based on gender may also affect how openly you and your partner communicate emotionally.

Reasons that cause Couples to avoid discussing their true Feelings

Fear of conflict

For many people, the biggest reason they avoid having emotional conversations is the fear of creating conflict. By keeping quiet and avoiding deep conversations they are temporarily maintaining peace within their relationship.

Although, their Feelings and concerns are still accumulating internally and eventually will surface in a potentially explosive manner.

Fear of vulnerability

To be emotionally open requires trust and a sense of emotional safety. Some People are afraid to expose themselves emotionally because they fear being perceived as vulnerable or weak. These fears may stem from either past emotional experiences or childhood emotional conditioning.

It may also help you to read our article on Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Invisible Trauma

Fear of being misunderstood

Some People avoid talking about their true Feelings because in the past attempts at communicating resulted in being criticized or dismissed.

They may eventually give up expressing their emotions altogether.

Lack of understanding emotions

Not all People possess high levels of emotional intelligence. Some People struggle with identifying and expressing their Feelings in a clear manner. Instead of saying "I feel emotionally disconnected," they may show their frustrations through irritability, withdrawal or silence.

Emotional exhaustion

Life stressors (work pressures, financial worries, household chores) can take away a lot of the emotional energy needed to engage in meaningful conversations. Busy lifestyles can also contribute to a gradual decrease in emotional connections.

Fear of hurting your partner or relationship

Some partners are fearful of engaging in discussions about their deeper issues because they think it might hurt their relationship or create distance between the two. As a result they refuse to have the conversations necessary to resolve issues before they escalate further. Ironically this refusal often leads to greater distance in the relationship down the road.

Indicators that show Couples may be avoiding honest discussions about their true Feelings

There are several indicators that may signal that you or someone else may be avoiding honest discussions about your true Feelings. Some examples include:

• most conversations relate only to daily routine.
• arguments repeatedly occur over similar issues.
• you both typically steer conversation away from emotionally charged subjects quickly.
• one of you tends to pull back emotionally when conflict arises.
• either partner struggles to discuss fears or insecurities with one another.
• despite spending time together emotionally you both feel emotionally disconnected.
• either partner feels unheard or emotionally disconnected.

Identifying these types of patterns early can provide the opportunity for Couples to better understand how to develop more positive forms of communication related to their emotions.

Case Study: Emotional Silence in a Long Term Relationship

Priya and Karan were married and lived in Pune, India. They had been together for nearly seven years. From the outside, Priya and Karan’s relationship seemed healthy. Together they worked on maintaining a routine lifestyle. There were no serious conflicts. However, there was a significant emotional disconnect between them.

How did Priya and Karan view each other's desire for open discussion of their feelings?

Karan viewed Priya’s request for openness regarding her feelings as creating unnecessary tension. He thought it would be best to keep quiet in order to prevent disagreements from occurring. Conversely, Priya wanted to have open discussions regarding her feelings; however, she was afraid to discuss them due to fear of being criticized. Both partners suppressed their true desires for emotional openness. Over time, this caused greater emotional distance.

Describe the effects of the suppression of emotion and lack of emotional conversation.

As time went on, the suppressed emotions created greater emotional distance. Small miscommunications became large sources of anger. For example, delayed responses to messages (i.e., texts), busy schedules, and forgotten plans caused great frustration between the two because their underlying emotional needs were never met.

After completing relationship counseling, what changes occurred in Priya and Karan’s relationship?

Following the completion of relationship counseling, both Priya and Karan began to realize they had developed negative patterns (suppressed emotions) rather than developing a pattern of positive interaction (open and honest communication). The first step in correcting this negative pattern was developing emotional safety by having small conversations without judgment. As both partners began to develop a sense of emotional safety in their conversations, their ability to connect emotionally improved.

How do healthy ways of improving emotional communication relate to Priya and Karan’s experiences?

According to Priya and Karan’s experiences, some of the most important ways to improve emotional communication are:

1. Create an emotionally safe environment.
2. Focus on listening actively.
3. Express your feelings.
4. Avoid suppressing your feelings for extended periods.
5. Spend quality time with one another.
6. Seek professional guidance when needed.

Why should couples seek to improve their communication?

Improving communication will allow a couple to build stronger trust, emotional security, and promote a deeper level of understanding toward one another. While many people think that avoiding difficult emotions will protect a relationship; it actually can lead to weaker connections, emotional disconnection, and less satisfaction in the relationship.

Final Thoughts

Couples often do not openly engage in emotional conversation as emotional risk is perceived as an uncomfortable experience of being vulnerable. However the silent avoidance of emotional conversation can lead to misunderstandings, feelings of loneliness and eventual emotional disconnection from one another within the couple's relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

What benefits come from making small emotionally honest conversations in a relationship?

Making small emotionally honest conversations will eventually create a strong foundation for rebuilding a deep sense of emotional closeness. A couple who communicates in this way will eventually see a difference in their ability to emotionally connect with one another. This type of communication encourages a couple to grow closer to one another while reducing stress and anxiety related to communication.

Why do couples avoid sharing their true feelings?

There are several reasons why couples avoid sharing their true feelings. Some reasons include fear of conflict, fear of emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of emotional exhaustion. When these fears cause couples to suppress their true feelings; they begin to lose the emotional connection that once existed in their relationship.

Are there any benefits to being emotionally honest in a relationship?

Yes. Being emotionally honest in a relationship promotes a deeper level of trust and provides an opportunity for both partners to grow emotionally together.